Band 6 – Children are today too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment

by englishteacher

IELTS WRITING CORRECTION

TASK 2

When writing your essay, you should do it under the same circumstances of the exam day. Therefore, we suggest you write your letter within the required time. Then retype it into the word document and send that to us.

Essay task

IELTS Writing Task 2

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

Children are today too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Essay correction

In today’s word, technology is much closer of us, and it has been creating a dependency of eletronic devices to entertain us. Children are not different, everybody know that the eletronic games and smart phones are more present in children’s life than ever before. This essay will show you the impact of technology in children’s life as well as out site activities.

  • Closer to us (correct preposition)
  • Everybody knows (everybody is a singular noun)
  • That electronic games (do not use “the” when you generalize the idea)

 Firstly, we cannot neglect thinking about the benefits of tecnology to education and comunication. Parents and teachers should use it as part of education. There are many educative app, games and videos where a kid can learn and play at the same time. As a example, a language learn application for kids will teach color, animal’s name and number in a different language when a kid is only playing, as a result, children will be expose a new language to help your comunication and aducation in the future.

  • As a part (an indeifnite article is required before indefinite nouns)
  • As an example (example starts with a vowel and requires “an”. It is preferable to use “for example” for a better formal style)
  • ………playing; as a result, ……….. (punctuation)
  • Will be exposed (correct form of the passive voice with the verb in the past participle)
  • Education (spelling)

On the other hand, outsite activities bring oportunities of integration, relashionship and friendship, and it is not present in eletronic devices. Children will practice fisical activities and meet a new environment where is not in control of your parents. A simple day playing soccer in a park is a great examples, in this situation a kid need to pratice more then only play the game, he or she will pratice skills such as negociation and. They will learn lessons that are hard to be learnt in a book.

  • Opportunities (spelling)
  • Which is not (it is not a location but a case)
  • Of parents (it is better not to use “your” to generalize)
  • A great example (you cannot use a/an with a plural noun. nouns should be singular after a/an)
  • A kid needs (correct form of the verb in the present simple with an”s” added to the verb)
  • Only playing the game (a noun is required which is “playing”)
  • You can use they instead of he/she
  • Negotiation (spelling)

In conslusion, we could see that each side creates positive oportunities in a kid development. How to use each shold be the main discussion. I definitly agree that children are spend too much time with eletronic entertainment, and the modaration, in my opinion, is the best option in this case.

  • Opportunities (spelling)
  • Should (spelling)
  • Spend (The present simple is required as this is a habit)
  • And moderation (spelling – no article is required when you generalize)

 

Personalised tips for your next essay

To improve your score, you need to:

  • you need to read more samples for a better English structure
  • check you grammar, use accurate tenses and a better variety of tenses for a better grammar score
  • Revise to avoid simple mistakes
  • Read more articles and revise to avoid spelling mistakes
  • Use correct forms of verbs, nouns and adjectives
  • Use correct structures and do not translate from your mother tongue to English
  • Check your articles
  • Make sure your punctuation is correct

 

Any estimated grade score is based on the information you have provided to us, however your score will always vary depending on the task and the circumstances at the time of writing.

Estimated Band: 6

 Task achievement(6)

  • addresses the requirements of the task
  • presents an overview with information appropriately Selected
  • presents a purpose that is generally clear; there may be inconsistencies in tone
  • presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate

Coherence and cohesion(6)

  • arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
  • uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
  • may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

Lexical resources(6)

  • uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
  • attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
  • makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

Grammatical range(6)

  • uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
  • makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication

 

General tips to help improve your score

Task response

  • Pay attention to all issues in the essay question
  • Write about the issues rather than on the general topic
  • Answer the essay questions with more relevant main points
  • Plan your supporting points so they do not go off topic
  • Give reasons and examples to support your answer
  • Write over 250 words

Coherence and cohesion

  • Write around four or five paragraphs. It is not preferable to write more or less
  • Your body paragraphs should be two or three
  • Develop every paragraph by giving a mother statement, paraphrase it and give an example
  • Each paragraph should include only one idea
  • Use a wide range of linking words
  • Make sure that you understand the meanings and usage of linking words

Lexical resources

  • Make sure that you have a good knowledge of English collocations
  • Use correct prepositions related to the English Language and not to your translation from your own mother tongue
  • Use a wide variety of vocabulary
  • Make sure your words are well spelled
  • Avoid using informal language
  • Use a good quality of vocabulary (indispensable is better than important)

Grammatical range and accuracy

  • Use different grammatical rules, including tenses, conditionals, passive voice, ……….. etc.
  • Pay attention to your word order
  • Use a range of sentence structure
  • Make sure that your articles and plural forms are correct

 

 

A sample answer

Together with computerization of our society, there is a rising of public awareness about kids, who spend too much time in front of the personal computer or playing video games. What it best for children to devote their free time to outdoor activities and conventional games or to be at home and entertain themselves with the computer?

Some types of PC games can be very intelligent and may contain huge educational potential. They can encourage youngsters to develop researching skills and inspire them to learn new things. However, a significant amount of video games is dumb-type, which develops nothing but button-pushing skill. Unfortunately, these games are usually highly addictive. Thus, they can cause the lack of physical activity and even serious mental diseases.

Outdoor games often more beneficial for kids’ health. They not only train them in terms if agility and endurance, but teach children to socialise and make friends. Moreover, they make them stronger because of fresh air, physical activity and exposure to the sunlight. Therefore, being on the street not always safe. An unattended child can receive trauma or become a subject of crime.

I was not very outgoing and physically active kid and preferred rather read than to play with others. Getting a computer brought more diversity for my leisure and study. It helped me to experience new emotions, learn new things, study English and meet interesting people online. Aptitude in Information technologies has helped me to get a good job and then grow up in my job. Therefore I think parents should look at their child’s personality in order to decide what is more appropriate. Finding a balance between electronic entertainment and outdoor games depends on parents’ ability to identify what best benefits their child.

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!