IELTS WRITING CORRECTION
When writing your essay, you should do it under the same circumstances of the exam day. Therefore, we suggest you write your letter within the required time. Then retype it into the word document and send that to us.
Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion
People have different views about whether education is the most effective tool to dampen down the overeating junk food problem. While many claim that education will be relatively unhelpful in reducing such an issue, I strongly support the idea that education will be the most beneficial weapon to fight over the overconsuming of fast food in todays’ generation.
- You should have started a new sentence by writing “I strongly…” as using a comma is not correct
Day by day, fast food has become increasingly popular in this busy and hurried world. Some people think that giving education to people who like to eat too much junk food is not necessary. There are several reasons behind this argument. For instance, there are many intellectual officers in favour of fast food due to its convenience and portable manners, despite their profound education and knowledges of nutrition- related. Another reason is that, the modern living lifestyle has contributed to the severe of the issue. For example, the educated-persons mentioned previously choose to consume too much fast food because their busy schedules and lifestyles. Therefore, fast food has answered their needs in term of time saving. As for these reasons, it is understandable why supporters are thinking that education will not be a practical deterrent to the junk food overconsumption problem.
- Manners despite (do not use a comma before despite when it comes in the middle of a clause)
- Is that modern …. (no comma is required. A comma is required when you do not use “that”. Example: another reason, modern lifestyle has ………..)
- Modern living lifestyle (do not use “the” when you generalize the idea)
- To the severity (a noun is required and not an adjective)
- Because of their busy schedules (a preposition is missing)
- Supporters think (use the present simple with facts and habits)
However, I extremely oppose the mentioned opinion above. Giving an effective education will help people to have a better understanding idea of the detrimental effects of junk food to ones’ health. For example, if many people know that these unhealthy food might cause many terrible cancer types and other diseases, they might reconsider of buying or consuming too much junk food. Moreover, establishing an appropriated nutrition programs would help raise sustainable awareness among people especially children and adolescents. There beneficiaries will cultivate a life- time habit of refraining from junk food or restricting such intake.
- Reconsider buying (no preposition is required)
In conclusion, as discussed above, although there are reasonable arguments against education, I firmly believe that educational measure would significantly mitigate junk food consumption and deter the problem from being exacerbated further.
Personalised tips for your next essay
To improve your score, you need to:
- Your essay is well organized but you need to read more articles to enhance your structure
- Use correct sentence forms and do not translate from your mother tongue to English, especially with prepositions
- Use a better variety of tenses for a better grammar score
- Check your punctuation to avoid confusion
- Revise to avoid simple mistakes
Any estimated grade score is based on the information you have provided to us, however your score will always vary depending on the task and the circumstances at the time of writing.
Estimated Band: 6.5
- addresses the requirements of the task
- presents an overview with information appropriately Selected
- presents a purpose that is generally clear; there may be inconsistencies in tone
- presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate
Coherence and cohesion(6.5)
- arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
- uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
- may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
- uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
- attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
- makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
- uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
- makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
General tips to help improve your score
- Pay attention to all issues in the essay question
- Write about the issues rather than on the general topic
- Answer the essay questions with more relevant main points
- Plan your supporting points so they do not go off topic
- Give reasons and examples to support your answer
- Write over 250 words
Coherence and cohesion
- Write around four or five paragraphs. It is not preferable to write more or less
- Your body paragraphs should be two or three
- Develop every paragraph by giving a mother statement, paraphrase it and give an example
- Each paragraph should include only one idea
- Use a wide range of linking words
- Make sure that you understand the meanings and usage of linking words
- Make sure that you have a good knowledge of English collocations
- Use correct prepositions related to the English Language and not to your translation from your own mother tongue
- Use a wide variety of vocabulary
- Make sure your words are well spelled
- Avoid using informal language
- Use a good quality of vocabulary (indispensable is better than important)
Grammatical range and accuracy
- Use different grammatical rules, including tenses, conditionals, passive voice, ……….. etc.
- Pay attention to your word order
- Use a range of sentence structure
- Make sure that your articles and plural forms are correct
A sample answer
In the modem world, there has been an accelerating trend of people eating unhealthy food, posing detrimental threats to their health. While some people regard education as an ineffective measure to resolve the problem. I would contend that this practice would serve as a definitely workable solution to tackling such a problem.
There is a common belief that education would not be an effective method of deterring people from consuming a large amount of junk food. Supporters of this view might argue that the modem living style is the root of this issue, which would not be efficiently addressed by education. For example. there are many intellectual officers in favor of fast food due to its convenience and portable manner. Despite of their profound nutrition-related knowledge and awareness, these busy consumers opt for fast food for the sake of time-saving. Besides, there are other efficient solutions to curbing junk food consumption. For instance, the government could impose higher taxation schemes on junk food. By raising fast food prices, such a strict legal action could yield immediate and widespread effects on consumer behavior, thus bringing forth a quicker decline in junk food consumption compared to education.
However, I would strongly endorse education an effective key to the junk food overconsumption problem. The primary reason is that an appropriate education would efficiently raise eaters’ awareness which may act as a deterrent to people’s opting for unhealthy food. For instance, once people gain insightful knowledge and awareness of life-threatening cancers and diseases caused by overeating fast food, they would be more likely to put an end to such a harmful eating habit. Another supporting reason is that nutrition education programs, compared to other measures such as imposing higher tax could result in more sustainable awareness and behavior change among people from all walks of life, especially children and adolescents. These beneficiaries will cultivate a life-time habit of refraining from junk food or restricting such intake.
To sum up, although there are reasonable arguments against education, I firmly believe that educational measures would significantly mitigate junk food consumption and deter the problem from being exacerbated further.